Anxiety & Depression #6: "HELP, someone I love is depressed!"

One of the most unique lessons I have learned in my journey is that being on the "outside, looking in" can be just as scary. If you have been there, you know exactly what I mean. Someone you love is struggling with mental illness and you are flooded with a myriad of emotions. At any given point you may feel sad, frustrated, angry, confused, overwhelmed or scared to death. You want so desperately to help the person you love but you do not know how. You wish you could take the pain away for them. You wish there was SOME sort of affirmative action to take but you feel at a total loss. I just wish I could take your hand, look you in the eye and say this:

"I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard for YOU as well as the person you love. I want you to take a deep breath and know that is is 'okay' to not have all the answers. Right now, your loved one just needs you." 

In the same way that the physical health of care-takers often suffers when someone has a heart attack, stroke, or debilitating event, your mental health can also suffer when someone you love has a mental illness. I think someone out there just needs to hear that. You probably never thought of it that way but I think acknowledging that this is really hard for YOU as well as the person you are worried about is an important piece of the puzzle. 

When you clicked on the link to this blog, you may have been looking for ways to help someone in your life who is struggling. I thought I would share a few quick ideas and break them down by categories. 

Anyone and Everyone

If someone you love is struggling with anxiety, depression, or some sort of mental illness AND they had the guts to confide in you, that is a REALLY big deal. It took a lot for them to tell someone. It may be tempting for you to freak out or rush to fix something, but here some pointers on where to start. 

• EMPATHIZE. Look the person in the eye and tell them, "I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I'm sorry this is happening right now. It is going to be okay."
• Do not try to fix it . . . ESPECIALLY if you have never experienced what they are going through. It is okay if you are not an expert! They are coming to you for comfort, not a "fix." 
• TRY not to freak out. Remember as I said before, you have a LOT of emotions and thoughts racing through your head. It would be unfair to ask you NOT to have your own feelings. However, try to be calm and supportive for your loved one. In the mean time, find your own confidant to help you sort out your feelings.
• Encourage them to SEEK help. This is so important. Help them walk through the steps of finding a professional counselor or pastor and then support them in their decision to go to counseling. Remind them that HEALTHY people get help. 
• Check in on them to see how they are doing and how the counseling is going
• RECOGNIZE that in the end, they are their own person. They make their own decisions and you are not in control. The only thing you can do is offer support; THEY have to be the ones to accept it. 

Photo Credit: Julie Morr Photography

Parents 

I think one of the scariest positions is that of a parent trying to help their child sort through mental illness. I have a lot of respect for my parents and the way they helped me over the years. One of the BEST things my mom ever did for me was create a safe place for me to struggle. She always said "You can tell me anything and everything, no matter what," and I believed her! I really did tell her everything. Parents, I think this is so crucial and I hope that I can do the same for my daughter. Be a listening ear for your kids. Let them tell you how they feel and what they are thinking without trying to correct them right away or jumping to conclusions. I truly felt like that made all the difference.

Another important piece is involving professional help. Do your due diligence in finding a youth counselor or pastor and talk to them yourself first. Ask your child if they are comfortable talking to that person.

Along those lines, TRUST the opinion of the professionals who see your child. My husband is a pediatrician and he was able to share some interesting facts with me about pediatric mental health. Recently, a pediatric psychologist came and spoke to the interns at my husband's hospital. The psychologist said that doctors rarely feel pushback from parents when they want to medicate the child for ADHD, but they get a LOT of pushback when trying to medicate a child for depression. Fascinating!

Often, parents of hyperactive children will come into the clinic saying "this is just how my child IS and there is no way to change it except through medication." They are more likely to overlook medication side effects in attempt to seek relief from their child's hyperactivity.

In contrast, doctors notice that parents of depressed children are more likely to say, "this is just how my child is FEELING right now and they can push past it without medication." This is completely unfair to the child. While hyperactivity certainly causes problems for the child AND the parent, depression is something that is felt mostly by the child.

Here is what I'm NOT saying: I am NOT saying that all parents of hyperactive kids want to tranquilize their children with drugs. I am highly UNqualified to discuss ADHD and the taxing job of caring for a child who struggles with those symptoms. I am also NOT making an argument for or against medication, I just thought it was interesting to see how we as parents have the tendency to approach various health problems differently.

Photo Credit: Harvest Joy Photography

Spouses

To all the spouses out there, you are in the trenches! Maybe your spouse has struggled with his or her mental illness since before you met. Maybe this is something that recently surfaced. Either way, you are one of their greatest assets. I just want you to know that you do not HAVE to understand how your spouse is feeling OR know how to fix it to be supportive. You can simply be a listening ear and encourage them to seek help. Know the triggers for your spouse and consider going to a counseling session or two with them to learn how they cope with their issues. My husband's gentle, understanding spirit is reason #5,682 why I married him. That, and he is a HUNK.

Friends

This area is tricky. It was YEARS before I told even one or two of my friends about my struggles. If someone reaches out to you about their anxiety or depression, it probably means they really trust you! A lot of what I have already said can be applied to your situation. If they do not have a spouse or parent already heavily involved or present, you might be their go-to person! Again, encourage them to seek professional help and be willing to listen! Remember that the weight of their mental health is NOT on your shoulders. They need to make the steps towards healing; you are there as a cheerleader and sounding board. Be sure to set your own boundaries as well. Sometimes the "go-to" friends are the ones who "give, give, give" and their help is often abused. For example, you may have a friend who expects you to drop everything you are doing whenever he or she is having a bad day. This is NOT fair to you or healthy for them. Listen, support, and encourage them to make healthy choices, but remember to take care of your health as well!


Hopefully one of those nuggets was helpful for someone out there! I have a few more topics I would like to address in the area of anxiety and depression but I you have suggestions, I would love to hear them! Send them my way at acthompson2013@gmail.com! I would also love to hear from seasoned veteran parents since I am a newbie!