Introduction: My Story
Have you ever felt trapped?
It's that mix of mounting terror that seizes your heart and tightens your throat. Have you ever felt like you are walking around in a fog? The colors and sounds and highlights in the world seem to fade into the background and you meander through the madness as if you are simply an observer. Time stands still and you are on the outside looking in. These feelings only begin to describe how one might feel in an instance of anxiety.
"You have a temperament that predisposes you to be an anxious person." That's what my counselor told me. Growing up, I was a type-A little girl. I was only 2 years old when I started complaining about my mom rearranging the furniture. Tags had to be cut out of all my clothes and there were very few sweaters I could stand to wear because they were so scratchy. Those are the "funny" things that people think about when they hear "OCD." In fact, a lot of people claim to have OCD because they like to keep their house clean or their shoes organized or their English papers free of grammatical errors. However, when my counselor told me I had OCD, it was not a cute, funny diagnosis.
I have enjoyed writing on and off throughout my life in different modalities. Recently, I have felt a tug at my heart to share a story. . . my journey through anxiety and depression and what I have learned along the way. I know there is already way too much information and click-bait out there, but perhaps someone may read this and find encouragement or hope. Additionally, I want to challenge myself to write on a more consistent basis.
My Story
As I mentioned, I had always been somewhat of a conscientious, type-A, perfectionist. I was always very analytical and tended to "over-think" everything. It was not until the age of 11 that I had my first battle with depression. I was entering junior high - the worst 3 years of human existence. (I would come to find out later in life that transitions were hard for me.) I did not have any reason to be sad. My grades were great, my family was safe, and I had wonderful friends. . . yet at night I would have disturbing thoughts racing through my head. At first I thought I was crazy, then I thought those thoughts must be true. This was a crisis for a sensitive little girl. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. I started to feel worthless.
My parents were wonderful through this whole process. They tried taking me to a christian counselor and I absolutely hated it. The lady would ask me questions and then stare at me in silence. It was really awkward for an introvert like me. I didn't know how to express my feelings and she didn't know how to draw it out of me. I vowed never to go back. I think what bothered me the most was that feeling of being trapped... I did not know how to get rid of these feelings and fears and even worse... I was told I may struggle with this the rest of my life.
That was the most crippling thought: what if I'm always like this? I went on medication and it was very helpful for a few years. My body and hormones changed and I was off the medication and seemingly off the hook. The most wonderful byproduct of my depression is that it is what first drew me to Jesus. As an 11-year-old girl I dug deep into his promises and never turned back. I would spend hours pouring through my bible and calling out to God. Then, when the depression let up in high school, I got proud. Really proud.
I knew all the answers and figured I had told the devil all the right verses to make my anxiety go away. I was a really good kid, and the little old church ladies loved me. Everything was working out great! If I did A and B, then C would be the result.
Then came the next transition.
My first year or two of college was basically a repeat of high school. I was living at home, taking classes at the local community college, and running collegiate cross country. Around the end of my sophomore year, another wave of depression and anxiety hit. This time it was horrible. Terrible. I cannot think of a better word. To make matters worse, I was really proud and convinced that Christians never take medication. I was never going back on it, and I was certainly not going back to that quacky Christian counselor. I think it was a Sunday morning when I finally caved. I had lost a lot of weight and was not sleeping well, so I decided it was time to go back on the medicine for awhile. It worked. But it would be another two years before I set foot in a counselors office. (That is another story).
My most recent valley in this journey was the past three years. I had started a new science teaching job and was really struggling with the transition. There would be some days I could barely drag myself to work. I would pull into the parking lot, turn off my car, and convince myself to walk inside. Sometimes I would be up at the board teaching asking myself, "What am I even doing here? How am I making a difference?" I had never struggled so much with self-worth in my life. I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer. I wanted to quit. I wanted to just try something different, but God held me there for three years, and I'm so glad he did because this was a time of intense personal and spiritual growth for me.
In each of these seasons, Christ was calling me to himself. I learned a lot and I am still in process, but I also heard a lot of really bad advice. In recent years I have learned of so many friends, family members and co-workers who struggle with depression in some form whether it is clinical, spiritual, postpartum, hormone related... the list goes on. I feel like we could do a much better job of walking alongside each other in this journey, and that is my hope as I share my story.
Worldview . . . and why this matters
Over the next few months, I want to share some of the lessons I've learned on this journey, and I want to be faithful to writing more regularly in general. I thought it may be helpful to mention to any and all readers out there that I will be writing from my own worldview. While you may not share my worldview, I think you might still find some encouragement. In the least, it might start a conversation or two. For some reason, we have recently believed the lie that two people with different worldview could not possibly have an honest conversation. I think that is total nonsense!
I personally believe that the highest and greatest joy in life is found in Christ and that all things find their "yes" in Him. I believe that Jesus is God, and as such, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. Since He is God, I try to do what He says. I also believe that God created everything, including my mind, body, and soul. I believe that my mind, body and soul are broken because of sin. Therefore, I also believe that I need to fight my depression in more than just one of those three areas.
That being said, I want you to know: You are not trapped. I still believe Jesus can heal me in an instant if He wants to, but I also believe he can choose not to (remember the whole "He's God" thing?) And if not . . . He is still good. *
So the question becomes, "How then should we live?" I believe there is a way we can suffer well as Christians and still see Christ as all-satisfying. (And yes, Christians get depressed. Have you ever read the Psalms?) I do not believe you have to feel trapped. I believe you can learn a new skill set - just like riding a bike - and walk in victory over your anxiety and depression. Will you still have setbacks? Of course! Those feelings will still come, but they do not have to have the debilitating power they once did. This world is broken, and that brokenness will always come through on this side of heaven. I hope something I share is helpful. Let's have a conversation.
*The pallet above was made by Wild Racks & Pallets. It hangs in my living room to remind me of the sovereignty of God. The words "if not, He is still good" are from the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Bible. They were told to worship a false God or be thrown into a furnace (dramatic, right?) They confidently said (paraphrase) "We will not worship your God. We would rather burn in that furnace. If you try to throw us in, our God can save us. But even if He doesn't save us, we will not worship your God." The truth is this: Jesus is enough. I know God can heal me, but I also know He redeems the struggles in my life and uses them for His Glory. Either way, He's awesome.
---------------------
This is the first of a series of blogposts about my journey. I hope to post one every weekend for the next 6-8 weeks. If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please let me know via email at acthompson2013@gmail.com
It's that mix of mounting terror that seizes your heart and tightens your throat. Have you ever felt like you are walking around in a fog? The colors and sounds and highlights in the world seem to fade into the background and you meander through the madness as if you are simply an observer. Time stands still and you are on the outside looking in. These feelings only begin to describe how one might feel in an instance of anxiety.
"You have a temperament that predisposes you to be an anxious person." That's what my counselor told me. Growing up, I was a type-A little girl. I was only 2 years old when I started complaining about my mom rearranging the furniture. Tags had to be cut out of all my clothes and there were very few sweaters I could stand to wear because they were so scratchy. Those are the "funny" things that people think about when they hear "OCD." In fact, a lot of people claim to have OCD because they like to keep their house clean or their shoes organized or their English papers free of grammatical errors. However, when my counselor told me I had OCD, it was not a cute, funny diagnosis.
I have enjoyed writing on and off throughout my life in different modalities. Recently, I have felt a tug at my heart to share a story. . . my journey through anxiety and depression and what I have learned along the way. I know there is already way too much information and click-bait out there, but perhaps someone may read this and find encouragement or hope. Additionally, I want to challenge myself to write on a more consistent basis.
My Story
As I mentioned, I had always been somewhat of a conscientious, type-A, perfectionist. I was always very analytical and tended to "over-think" everything. It was not until the age of 11 that I had my first battle with depression. I was entering junior high - the worst 3 years of human existence. (I would come to find out later in life that transitions were hard for me.) I did not have any reason to be sad. My grades were great, my family was safe, and I had wonderful friends. . . yet at night I would have disturbing thoughts racing through my head. At first I thought I was crazy, then I thought those thoughts must be true. This was a crisis for a sensitive little girl. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. I started to feel worthless.
My parents were wonderful through this whole process. They tried taking me to a christian counselor and I absolutely hated it. The lady would ask me questions and then stare at me in silence. It was really awkward for an introvert like me. I didn't know how to express my feelings and she didn't know how to draw it out of me. I vowed never to go back. I think what bothered me the most was that feeling of being trapped... I did not know how to get rid of these feelings and fears and even worse... I was told I may struggle with this the rest of my life.
That was the most crippling thought: what if I'm always like this? I went on medication and it was very helpful for a few years. My body and hormones changed and I was off the medication and seemingly off the hook. The most wonderful byproduct of my depression is that it is what first drew me to Jesus. As an 11-year-old girl I dug deep into his promises and never turned back. I would spend hours pouring through my bible and calling out to God. Then, when the depression let up in high school, I got proud. Really proud.
I knew all the answers and figured I had told the devil all the right verses to make my anxiety go away. I was a really good kid, and the little old church ladies loved me. Everything was working out great! If I did A and B, then C would be the result.
Then came the next transition.
My first year or two of college was basically a repeat of high school. I was living at home, taking classes at the local community college, and running collegiate cross country. Around the end of my sophomore year, another wave of depression and anxiety hit. This time it was horrible. Terrible. I cannot think of a better word. To make matters worse, I was really proud and convinced that Christians never take medication. I was never going back on it, and I was certainly not going back to that quacky Christian counselor. I think it was a Sunday morning when I finally caved. I had lost a lot of weight and was not sleeping well, so I decided it was time to go back on the medicine for awhile. It worked. But it would be another two years before I set foot in a counselors office. (That is another story).
My most recent valley in this journey was the past three years. I had started a new science teaching job and was really struggling with the transition. There would be some days I could barely drag myself to work. I would pull into the parking lot, turn off my car, and convince myself to walk inside. Sometimes I would be up at the board teaching asking myself, "What am I even doing here? How am I making a difference?" I had never struggled so much with self-worth in my life. I felt like I had absolutely nothing to offer. I wanted to quit. I wanted to just try something different, but God held me there for three years, and I'm so glad he did because this was a time of intense personal and spiritual growth for me.
In each of these seasons, Christ was calling me to himself. I learned a lot and I am still in process, but I also heard a lot of really bad advice. In recent years I have learned of so many friends, family members and co-workers who struggle with depression in some form whether it is clinical, spiritual, postpartum, hormone related... the list goes on. I feel like we could do a much better job of walking alongside each other in this journey, and that is my hope as I share my story.
Worldview . . . and why this matters
Over the next few months, I want to share some of the lessons I've learned on this journey, and I want to be faithful to writing more regularly in general. I thought it may be helpful to mention to any and all readers out there that I will be writing from my own worldview. While you may not share my worldview, I think you might still find some encouragement. In the least, it might start a conversation or two. For some reason, we have recently believed the lie that two people with different worldview could not possibly have an honest conversation. I think that is total nonsense!
I personally believe that the highest and greatest joy in life is found in Christ and that all things find their "yes" in Him. I believe that Jesus is God, and as such, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. Since He is God, I try to do what He says. I also believe that God created everything, including my mind, body, and soul. I believe that my mind, body and soul are broken because of sin. Therefore, I also believe that I need to fight my depression in more than just one of those three areas.
That being said, I want you to know: You are not trapped. I still believe Jesus can heal me in an instant if He wants to, but I also believe he can choose not to (remember the whole "He's God" thing?) And if not . . . He is still good. *
So the question becomes, "How then should we live?" I believe there is a way we can suffer well as Christians and still see Christ as all-satisfying. (And yes, Christians get depressed. Have you ever read the Psalms?) I do not believe you have to feel trapped. I believe you can learn a new skill set - just like riding a bike - and walk in victory over your anxiety and depression. Will you still have setbacks? Of course! Those feelings will still come, but they do not have to have the debilitating power they once did. This world is broken, and that brokenness will always come through on this side of heaven. I hope something I share is helpful. Let's have a conversation.
*The pallet above was made by Wild Racks & Pallets. It hangs in my living room to remind me of the sovereignty of God. The words "if not, He is still good" are from the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Bible. They were told to worship a false God or be thrown into a furnace (dramatic, right?) They confidently said (paraphrase) "We will not worship your God. We would rather burn in that furnace. If you try to throw us in, our God can save us. But even if He doesn't save us, we will not worship your God." The truth is this: Jesus is enough. I know God can heal me, but I also know He redeems the struggles in my life and uses them for His Glory. Either way, He's awesome.
---------------------
This is the first of a series of blogposts about my journey. I hope to post one every weekend for the next 6-8 weeks. If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please let me know via email at acthompson2013@gmail.com
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