Finding your voice in Kingdom Work

**This was written 5/14/19 and never published. I am publishing it today because it still holds true. 

I was sitting in a coffee shop with a blinking cursor on my blank screen. It had been weeks since I was able to “get away” and have some “me time” to write alone, and I kept glancing at the time ticking away on my parking meter saying, “Think! Think! Write! Write! It could be weeks before you get this chance again.” But in my silence before the Lord, questions rose before me: “What is the ultimate goal of carving out this vocational time? What am I really trying to say?” 

I love writing. It is one way that I worship and serve God and it brings me great joy to do so. I found it hard to find the time to sit in front of a computer and write once I had children. There were always other more “pressing matters” that I could attend to during the precious moments of naptime. This created angst and a pressure to squeeze out something great every time I sat down to write. 

We all have pieces of us that changed when we became mothers. Some of us left full-time careers to stay at home. Some of us had to reconcile the fact that we no longer had the same energy as before to pour into a certain ministry or vocation. In the throes of parenting littles, I often find myself asking “will there ever be a time that I have the energy and passion for ministry that I did before? Does the work I do every day even matter?” In short, I am striving to find “my voice.” Striving to have that same feeling I had in college ministry where there was tangible fruit. People were coming to Christ and being baptized, discipleship opportunities seemed to fall into my lap, midnight worship and prayer sessions filled me with renewed spiritual vigor, and I could blog about it alone in some corner of a coffee shop for hours.  

Now, my energy was being spent picking up blocks and cleaning up accidents. Any attempt at “meaningful conversation” with another adult was punctuated with interruptions from little ones. I could barely fathom attending a midnight prayer vigil because my husband and I were usually yawning by 8pm. Somehow, this new season felt very dull and dry. In my dreaming and looking back to the way things were, I was suddenly painting for myself a false gospel. Sometimes I measure success by how many people heard what I had to say and whether they took it to heart. Did I come up with a social media post that was theological and witty enough to attract likes and paint myself as a "put-together" mom?  I wanted someone telling me "You're doing enough! You're making an impact! You are doing important kingdom work!" 

In Matthew 13, Jesus paints a different picture of kingdom work when he tells the Parable of the Sower spreading seeds. Some fell on the path and were eaten; some fell on rocky or thorny soil and failed to thrive. Then verse 8 says, “other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.” As I considered the parable, I was reminded that the Son of Man is the sower. He alone does the work and we are a plot of soil in a field of hungry souls. 

The measure of our kingdom value is not the number of social media followers or friends who take our advice. In fact, much of our kingdom work in the realm of motherhood may go unnoticed. We are only called to be faithful, to declare God’s truth, and prepare the soil of our own heart to hear it. Apart from Christ, I am working to build my own kingdom and grasping for approval and self-fulfillment in the number of people who read my work and give me a pat on the back. In the end, this leads to disappointment. But the good news of the Gospel is that Jesus was the only one to lead a perfect, holy life that was pleasing to God. Because of His death and resurrection, I can rest in His finished work. I can use my gifts simply because I love God and it brings me joy to serve Him. 

Test the soil of your own heart. Have you allowed God to do the painful, yet necessary work of breaking up the hard ground? Are you ready and willing to let the truth of His word to sink deep into the soil of your heart? Are you watered daily with His truth? If so, trust Him to do the work and be ready for the harvest. 

“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:12-13).